Couple Talk 5: The Spider Chronicles
by JaerWolfe
Summary: Shepard has a bad moment...


_**A/N: This was originally meant to be part of a longer story, but it didn't flow with the other story and it was too funny to leave in hard drive hell. Enjoy.**_

* * *

Her husband was going to kill her.

Shepard stared in horror at the remains of the spider on the red sand of the former aquarium in her quarters. She'd hated that thing from the first time she'd seen…and tried to kill it…and now it had the nerve to up and die in the former Fish Tank of Death. Kaidan was going to think she'd done something to get rid of it the way she'd threatened every time she caught sight of the creepy bug eyes watching her move about the room.

It wasn't her fault really. She'd only wished it dead, not seriously tried to do anything to kill it. Well, not since Kaidan put it in their cabin, anyway. There had been a few 'accidents' on the way back from their vacation that she'd tried to engineer but he'd managed to keep it safe every time. And if she ever found that Vorcha she'd paid fifty creds to steal it only to have him take the money and run, she was going to Cain his ass into the atmosphere.

Now, she'd been a wife for only two months and her husband was going to blame her because his pet spider was a corpse.

And she wasn't cleaning it up, either. It was too gross with parts missing and the legs sprawled out, dead.

Frowning, Shepard leaned in closer, studying it.

It looked like something had eaten Kaidan's pet. Sucked out the insides and left only the shell as a grim trophy. But what could possibly have gotten into the tank and done that?

And where was it now? The tank was empty.

Shepard, eyes darting about the room, casually grabbed her Hand Cannon and began moving toward the table in the lounge area of their cabin. She twitched every time she thought she caught movement out of the corner of her eyes, her gun moving, tracking, trying to spot the Spider Sucker Killer only to find it was just nerves.

What would it look like, the thing that had killed Kaidan's pet? Wait, didn't spiders eat _other_ spiders? What if Kaidan had accidentally brought more than one spider on board? What if it was a sneakier, tougher spider and had finally proven it by eating its only rival?

Shepard climbed on top of the table, her gun moving about. Noise from the door had her firing in that direction.

"Stop, Shepard! It's me!" Kaidan shouted ducking back, his barrier snapping to life about him. "Put the gun down!"

Wincing, Shepard gave him a sick smile but didn't put her gun down. "Sorry!"

"I thought you were kidding about shooting me if you got mad at me after we were married!" Kaidan continued, still breathing hard from the adrenaline rush. "I don't even know what I did!"

Shepard glanced guiltily at the spider corpse. "It's not my fault!" She said immediately. "I think we have a loose spider on board and it ate your pet and we need to kill it before it eats one of us!"

Kaidan stared at her, his expression running through a myriad of expressions, the predominant one being confusion. "Wha..why would..? You _shot_ at me!"

"I thought you were the Spider Sucker Killer!" She answered back. "We need to have the Normandy fumigated before it starts killing everyone on board, one by one, stalking us as we sleep!"

Mouth open Kaidan continued to stare at her, speechless.

"It killed your pet thing! Sucked it's insides out! LOOK!" Shepard pointed at the tank with her gun and Kaidan flinched back into cover again. "I am not going to shoot you! I'm trying to save your life!"

"I am not discussing your mental break with reality until you put your gun away." Kaidan asked from the small alcove near the only door into the cabin.

"If I'm having a mental break with reality only two months after being married to you, then I think we have cause and effect right there!" Shepard snapped back at him. "Oh, stop being a baby. I put the gun down. I'm putting my armor on until we find the Spider Sucker Killer anyway."

Kaidan watched her searching carefully for any enemy as she made her way to her armor slots and arched an eyebrow as suddenly quick fingers snatched the breast plate and tried to pull her shirt off at the same time. "What if the spider whatever killer is in your armor?"

Shepard squeaked, dropped her armor and the shirt she'd managed to pull off and was back up on the table, gun at the ready.

Laughter spilled from him as he slowly left the doorway.

"I'm going to watch the Spider Sucker Killer suck your guts out and smile." Shepard told him with a vicious glare. "It will save me the cost of a divorce!"

Kaidan looked at the tank and grinned. "It was about time Rambo got finished. She was taking forever."

All the color drained from Shepard's face. "Rambo is the Spider Sucker Killer? You fed her another spider?" Horror dripped from her voice.

Losing his composure completely, Kaidan shook his head, trying to breathe, his arm about his gut as he rolled with laughter.

"You sadistic bastard." Shepard accused in disgust. "It's bad enough to see those poor crickets get their guts sucked out, but you're feeding it other spiders? What…to make Rambo bigger and stronger?"

Struggling to breathe, Kaidan sucked in air, his face red from his hilarity. "I would think you'd like the thought of spiders killing other spiders."

"Not if it means the spider doing the eating gets bigger and stronger and decides human flesh is a delicacy!" Shepard snapped back.

Kaidan's laughter died, his expression showing a dawning comprehension. "You really are terrified of spiders, aren't you?"

"I AM NOT AFRAID OF SPIDERS!"

"You're standing on a table, missing a shirt and holding a gun, Kaet." Kaidan pointed out. "If not for the white fear in your face I'd think it was a kinky new striptease you decided to greet me with."

"I am not afraid of spiders!" Shepard reiterated, enunciating each word carefully.

"Rambo molted, Kaet." Kaidan said, his voice no longer teasing, just slightly amused.

Confusion flickered across Shepard's face.

"Rambo's particular species of spider sheds it's exoskeleton by molting. That's Rambo's shell that she outgrew. She's probably hiding under her cork board in the tank, back where you can't see her." Kaidan said, a soft smile touching his lips. "She's still soft and vulnerable right now, so she'll hide until her new exoskeleton hardens. It's just a natural life cycle for her."

Color surged up Shepard's face. "Oh." She said stepping down from the table.

Kaidan watched her shaking fingers put her weapon up and retrieve her shirt from the floor. "Kaet…"

"It did this on purpose." Shepard continued, her voice going tight and furious as she glared at the tank. "It left its shell thing out knowing I'd see it and think something had eaten it. It deliberately set me up!"

"Why did you let me bring Rambo on board if she scares you so much?" Kaidan said in wonder reaching out to catch his wife's arms.

Shepard tried to brush him off, but he wasn't having any of it and pulled her close, pressing her tight against his chest, his face in her hair as he simply breathed her scent in. Slowly the rigid stiffness of her body began to ease.

"You like it." Shepard finally muttered, refusing to look at him as she gave a one shoulder shrug. "It makes you happy. I can deal with it if it makes you happy."

He lifted her chin, his expression full of emotion as he met her gaze. "Kaet…" Her name trailed off in stunned realization of just what she was willing to put up with because of him.

Uncomfortable, she shrugged again. "All I can say is it's a good thing I didn't find out about the spider thing until after I found out how good you are in bed. It could have been a deal breaker."

Kaidan pressed a soft kiss to her lips, the touch deepening as he leaned against her.

"There are no words for how much I love you, Kaet." He said softly holding her tight against his chest, his palms enjoying the naked skin of her back with a soothing caress.

"Enough to get rid of that thing?" She asked with bright hope.

He laughed and flicked her bra open. "Enough to make it up to you for putting up with Rambo."

A grumble fell from her lips before his warm hands found sensitive skin and began to pluck. Sucking in a soft gasp of air, one of her final, cohesive thoughts was that only for him, was she willing to put up with a sadistic, evil spider.


End file.
